Balitang Kutsero
by Perry Diaz
During President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo’s last junket to the United States, she decided to have another dining experience with just a few friends at the posh Le Cirque Restaurant in New York. She ordered orange-glazed duck with Port wine sauce and a bottle of vintage Chateau Lafite Rothschild. When her order arrived she was shocked, “What’s this?” she asked the waiter who then called the chef. The chef came and said, “Kumusta ma’am? I’m Pedro Pipit, the best Pinoy chep here at Le Circo. Do you have a question, ma’am?” “I ordered an orange-glazed duck and look what I got?” Gloria said. Pedro replied, “Well, ma’am, I prepared it especially for you. It’s a pekeng duck.” “Pekeng duck? A fake duck?” Gloria said. “No, ma’am, it’s not pek, it’s real, it’s named after China’s capital, Pekeng,” Pedro replied. “Oh, you mean, Peking,” Gloria laughed. Then she became serious and asked, “But how come it has only one leg?” “You see, ma’am,” Pedro said, “since you’re now a lame duck president, I thought it would be nice to serve you a lame pekeng duck.” “Gago! Let’s get out of here, girls!”
***
Presidential wannabe Manny Villar — a.k.a. “Money Villarroyo” — has been getting a lot of endorsements lately. Columnist Billy Esposo refers to them as “killer” endorsements. Villar didn’t particularly like what Billy called them. But when Villar was endorsed by the Maguindanao massacre suspect Andal Ampatuan Jr., he hit the roof — he knew it was a “kiss of death” endorsement! Then a day later, Junior Andal changed his endorsement to Noynoy Aquino. The word was that Villar paid Junior Andal a hefty sum of money to switch his endorsement to Noynoy! Yup, what Manny wants, money gets.
Well, it turned out that Villar’s alter ego, Gilbert Remulla visited the detained Andal Ampatuan Sr. in Davao last month. When the visit was leaked out to the media, Remulla claimed that it was just a “social visit.” The plot thickens when it was revealed that Remulla is married to the sister of Sigfrid Fortun, who is the lawyer of the Ampatuans. Connect the dots and there’s only three degrees that separate Manny Villar from the suspected masterminds of the Maguindanao massacre!
Junior Andal got an idea on how to make a big bundle of money by selling his “kiss of death” endorsements. Yup, for a certain amount, depending on the position the candidate is running for, Junior Andal will endorse the candidate’s opponent for a price. As starters, Junior Andal offered to Dick Gordon’s opponents, at a discounted price, his “kiss of death” endorsement to Flashy Dick. There were no takers.
***
Presidential wannabe Dick Gordon sued survey-takers SWS and Pulse Asia for damages. He claimed that the methods they were using were “flawed and inaccurate.” He demanded that they stop the surveys. I don’t blame him for his actions because both pollsters show Flashy Dick’s poll ratings anywhere from one to three percent. Well, there was one brave pollster who had the guts to tell the hot-tempered Flashy Dick: Don’t blame surveys, fix your campaign. With two weeks left to campaign, it would be futile for Flashy Dick to fix his campaign. Perhaps, he should fix his head and quit while he’s still a head.
***
Gloria’s candidate Gilbert “Gibo” Teodoro seems like he’s in a trance. Everything looks deceiving. People around him used to wear green, his campaign color. Now, some are wearing orange (Villar’s color) and some are wearing yellow (Noynoy’s color). But when he started seeing some people in black, he got scared and asked them why? “Sir, when we saw Gloria wearing orange, we were happy because Gloria’s ‘kiss of death’ will kill Villar’s campaign.” “That’s great,” Gibo said, “but why are you wearing black?” His supporters said, “Sir, it’s because all your Cojuangco cousins are now wearing yellow so we thought your campaign is dead.”
Gloria cracked the whip on members of Lakas-Kampi-CMD, urging them to deliver victory to Gibo and end the “defections.” She asked the defectors, “Why did you defect?” “Ma’am, we defected when your husband Mike Arroyo ordered us to defect,” said one of the defectors. When Gloria asked Mike if it was true, he said, “Hell, no! They were belly aching about a lot of things in your party, so I told them to defecate so they’ll feel better.”
***
Recently, Gloria appointed her manicurist to a cabinet position as a trustee of the Home Development Fund (Pag-IBIG), a government body that loans millions of dollars for housing. She also appointed her gardener as deputy director of Luneta Park Administration. The former manicurist will earn P130,000 a month (that’s twice the salary of the President) while her former gardener earns a little less. This reminds me of the Roman Emperor Caligula who appointed his horse as Consul of Rome. I’m beginning to suspect that Gloria is the reincarnation of Caligula.
***
Nick Perla, who’s just a tad below Flashy Dick in the poll surveys, filed a petition with the Commission on Elections (Comelec) to postpone the holding of the May 10 elections until such time Comelec can assure clean elections. Nick must really be naïve. If he wants clean elections, he should file a constitutional amendment to dissolve Comelec. And he should remember that to get votes he has to buy them.
***
Time to cry… It seems to me that it is becoming fashionable for certain people to cry in public. First, it was Flashy Dick Gordon who broke into tears at a gathering with his supporters. He said that he “could no longer bear seeing the suffering of the people.”
The second was Justice Renato Corona who, during his interview with the Judicial Bar Council, paused and wiped his eyes in the middle of his speech: “I always believed Mr. Chief Justice that there are two greatest gifts God can give a man in his lifetime: A faithful and dedicated wife, number two, a happy family. I have both. I don’t really need anymore, not even to become Chief Justice.”
The third was Acting Secretary of Justice Alberto Agra who cried during a press conference. When he was asked why he cried, he said he cried because he remembered his family and his father who had already passed away.
If Gordon wins the presidency, he’ll be known as the “Crying President.” If Corona is appointed Chief Justice, he’ll be known as the “Crying Chief Justice.” As for Agra, he’ll always be known as the “Cry Baby.”
No comments:
Post a Comment