Balitang Kutsero
by Perry Diaz
Now that “Halalan 2010” (Election 2010) is over without too much fanfare, the real fun has just begun. It’s “Halakhakan 2010” (Laughter 2010). Yes, there were many funny stories to laugh — or cry — about.
One of the funniest things that happened was that Manny “Pacman” Pacquiao won! Not in boxing but in the Sarangani congressional district election. When asked by my investigative reporter James Macaquecquec what he learned so far in his new job, Pacman answered, “Well, I learned that congressmen eat a lot of pork and they eat it out of a barrel. One fat congressman said that he got the biggest pork barrel. I don’t know why but I guess I have to learn how to eat pork out of a barrel. I also learned that congressmen are good mahjong players.” James asked Pacman why and his answer was: “Well, I was talking to several veteran congressmen and they talked a lot about ‘tong.’ Actually, they call themselves, ‘tongressmen.’ I’m telling you now, I’ll strive to be a great tongressman.” Pacman is surely learning fast. Someday, he’d be like his “belabed president.”
Meanwhile, speculation is rife that Pacman might quit boxing. Hey, with seven titles in seven weight divisions, why fight Floyd Mayweather? Or is it Mayweather’s demand for “drug test” that’s scaring the shit out of Pacman?
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Former Armed Forces Chief of Staff Gen. Hermogenes Esperon complained about being cheated after losing in a congressional race in Pangasinan. He denounced vote-buying and “bullying” of voters which he claimed “altered the decision of the electorate.” Didn’t he figure prominently in the “Hello Garci” election cheating scandal in 2004? Like they say, “It couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.” That’s poetic justice.
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I’m not sure if Erap Estrada knows his ‘rithmetic. He thought that the difference between 13 million and 8 million is 5. And that’s the reason why he has not yet conceded to Noynoy.
Erap couldn’t believe that he would end up “number two” in the presidential race. He’s always been “number one.” Now, he can feel how his “number two’s” (about six of them) felt all these years. One of them was elected mayor of San Juan last week, the position he held for many years. Yup, what goes around comes around. That’s karmic justice.
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The Social Weather Stations (SWS) is suing presidential wannabe Richard Gordon for P1 million for moral damages. It’s retaliation for Flashy Dick’s complaint that SWS have published “false, fraudulent, biased and defective surveys” in favor of their moneyed clients. The SWS’s pre-election surveys showed that Flashy Dick was a tailender and the voters agreed. What’s the problem, Dick?
The following is an excerpt from an interview with Flashy Dick before the elections:
Flashy Dick: Money does not turn me on.
Interviewer: So what turns you on?
Flashy Dick: I want our country to have the respect it deserves.
I guess the voters granted Flashy Dick’s wish, they voted for Noynoy.
***
Was “Villarroyo” real? As it turned out, it seems to be a hoax concocted by Gloria’s lackeys to take the heat off Gloria’s anointed candidate, Gilbert “Gibo” Teodoro, who was lagging in the poll surveys. Well, that was a “kiss of death” so one of Gloria’s lackeys tagged “Villarroyo” on Manny Villar. Well, it brought Villar down but helped Erap. You see, there is no antidote to Gloria’s “kiss of death.”
But what’s really funny was when Gloria’s lackeys tagged “Aquinorroyo” on Noynoy hoping that it would bring Noynoy down as well. Well, the opposite happened. What Gloria’s lackeys didn’t realize was that Noynoy is Teflon-coated. Ha ha ha…
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Gibo got a last-minute booster from Pastor Apollo Quiboloy, the self-proclaimed “Appointed Son of God.” Pastor Q’s sect, called “Kingdom of Jesus Christ, The Name Above Every Name,” claims to have four million followers in the Philippines and abroad. In his usual flair, Pastor Q told thousands of cheering followers, “Tonight let it be known to all Filipinos that the Almighty Father has appointed the president of this nation. He is no other than Gilbert ‘Gibo’ Teodoro.” With Gibo’s 3.6 million votes, I wonder how many of Pastor Q’s four million followers voted for him? Well, so much for “command vote.” It works only if there’s money attached to the command.
***
The world may be coming to an end but Nick Perlas, who is trailing by 13 million votes, is not conceding the presidential race until Comelec explains why five to eight million voters were prevented from voting due to long lines and PCOS machine failure. We got some ‘rithmetic problem here, folks. Even if all eight million voters were able to cast their votes and voted for Perlas, he would only get 8,000,048,764 votes. He would still trail Noynoy by 5.5 million votes. That’s simple ‘rithmetic, Nicky. Move on and get a life. There’s more to life than wishful thinking.
Another tailender who refused to concede is Sen. Jamby Madrigal who claimed that “preprogrammed compact flash (CF) cards might have caused her to get fewer votes than disqualified presidential aspirant Vetellano Acosta.” With 41,975 votes, Jamby needs another 13,772,392 votes to beat Noynoy by one vote! Hello? Is my ‘rithmetic correct?
The other day, Erap’s former campaign manager, Ernesto Maceda, claimed that before the elections, some people — could be Nigerians — were selling “preprogrammed” CF cards to make a candidate win. The price was from P30 to P50 million each. Assuming that each CF card would add 1,000 votes per precinct, Erap would need at least 5,000 CF cards to overcome Noynoy’s lead of five million votes. At a bargain price of P30 million per CF card, it would cost Erap P150 billion to win. That’s a lot of moolah! Is the presidency worth that much? Well, for Gloria it could have been. But she didn’t have to spend that kind of money, she just went ahead and grabbed the presidency from Erap. And then she threw him in jail. That’s cruel! Well, with Gloria stepping down soon, poetic justice awaits her.
Gloria spent more than P400 million in pork barrel funds — that’s people’s money — to win the election in Pampanga’s second congressional district. That’s quite a downsize from being president of the country to a representative of a sinkhole in the middle of Jueteng country. I heard from the grapevine that she’s going to be moonlighting as jueteng “kubrador” (bet collector) for her kumpadre, the Jueteng Lord.
Anti-jueteng crusader Fr. Ed Panlilio lost the gubernatorial race to Lilia Pineda, the wife of the Jueteng Lord. Lilia just proved that moolah rules in Pampanga. With Lilia as governor and Gloria as congresswoman, “La Cuarta Nostra” (“Our Money”) will reign supreme in Pampanga. And Pampanga’s new motto would be: “Cuarta Na!” Welcome to Little Sicily.
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