by Perry Diaz
Former president Joseph “Erap” Estrada dropped a bombshell with allegations that he was cheated in the May 10 presidential elections. He claimed that five million votes were shaved from his count during a “hocus PCOS” operation with the Precinct Count Optical Scanner (PCOS) machines.
A few days later, a masked man named “Robin” — looking like a “koala bear” — came out of nowhere and spilled his guts to a reporter about the automated “dagdag-bawas” (add-subtract) cheating operation involving a “cheating syndicate” consisting of 12 people including himself. When asked why he was coming out with his exposé, Robin said that he was doing it because his group didn’t get paid. When asked how much his group was owed, he said, “P1.4 billion.” Holy shit! That’s a lot a moolah! I’d be mad myself too! And since Robin’s group can’t take the votes back (ha ha ha…), they decided to derail the whole election process.
Robin said that they first approached Manny Villar and offered him P20 per vote. He said that Villar tried to haggle the price down to P5 per vote. Robin’s group rejected Villar’s counter-offer and they called Villar, “kuripot” (miser). That certainly is not nice to say to a man who’s net worth is P940 billion.
Robin then approached Erap’s vice presidential running mate Jejomar “Jojo” Binay — why not Erap? — and made him the same offer. He said that Jojo agreed to P20 per vote without batting an eye. Since it’s a package deal — they’ll give the same number of votes to the presidential candidate of his choice. Jojo chose Noynoy Aquino. Huh?
Now, I can see why Erap is ready to erupt! Like Julius Caesar said as he gasped his last breath, “Et tu Brutus?”
***
But my investigative reporter, James Macaquecquec, has a different story. James said that he was able to get an exclusive interview with Robin, the “Koala Boy,” who told him the true story behind the automated “dagdag-bawas” cheating operation. It goes:
James: Salamat, Robin for allowing me to interview you.
Robin: I’m granting you this exclusive interview because I want to tell the Pinoys in America and Canada the true story about the automated “dagdag-bawas” cheating operation during the May 10 elections.
James: Very good. You know the Pinoys in America and Canada are very much involved in the May 10 elections and they want to know exactly what happened. First of all, why did you choose “Robin” as your codename?
Robin: Our group of 12 men and women is known as the “Robbing Hoods” in government circles. We all use the codename “Robin” with a numerical suffix according to rank. Since I’m the head honcho of the “Robbing Hoods,” my codename is “Robin One.”
James: Are all the “Robbing Hoods” government employees?
Robin: Yes, as a matter of fact, we occupy some of the highest positions in the government.
James: No kidding! Okay, let’s hear your story then, Robin One.
Robin: The operation is called “Operation Talanka.” The plan was to electronically cheat in the elections to make Erap Estrada win the presidency and Jojo Binay the vice presidency.
James: “Talanka” means “crab.” Hmmm… But why Erap???
Robin: You see, if Erap is elected president, we will petition the Supreme Court to disqualify Erap because he’s a convicted plunderer. We will have a strong case and with the high court stacked up with Gloria’s stooges including the Midnight Chief Justice, Erap doesn’t have a chance of being proclaimed president. No way!
James: Oh, my God! And who would be proclaimed if Erap was disqualified?
Robin: Well, “Operation Talanka” calls for Manny Villar to be in second place behind Erap, therefore he’d be proclaimed president once Erap is disqualified.
James: But Villar placed third behind Noynoy and Erap? Unless Noynoy and Erap are disqualified, Villar doesn’t have a chance of being proclaimed?
Robin: You’re right. That’s why we have a very big problem. The automated “dagdag-bawas” program that we put in place forgot to shave five million votes from Noynoy’s count and add them to Erap’s count. Noynoy won by a landslide… and without cheating.
James: Whoa! Whoa! Didn’t you test the automated “dagdag-bawas” program before installing it? That’s dumb!
Robin: Yes, we tested it. But we discovered that one of our members, Robin 12, was linked to an ally of Noynoy who secretly paid our programmer a large amount of moolah to disable the automated “dagdag-bawas” program. But there was a glitch. The stupid programmer forgot to remove the program that shaves votes from Roxas’s count and add them to Binay‘s count. And that’s why Binay won.
James: There’s always a Judas in every group, huh? So what are you going to do now?
Robin: Well, I’m going to call my old pal Garci and ask him if he could fix the problem.
James: Wait a minute! I recognize your voice from the “Hello, Garci” tapes! You sounded like a man but you’re actually a woman. You’re … (James suddenly grabbed Robin’s mask and removed it!) … Gloria! Walang hiya ka! Si Gloria ka pala!
***
Eraption Dyok… One of my readers commented: “Erap will never concede to Noynoy. According to him, he is very, very sure that he is the winner in May 10, 2010 elections, because the PCOS machine said “Congratulations” to him.”
News Item… “Kris to leave TV shows in deference to brother and president-apparent Noynoy.” Yup, she’ll take a new role as “Da First Lady.” Noynoy’s girlfriend Shalani Soledad has to settle for “First Lady-in-waiting” for now. Watch for the looming “Battle of the Bosses.”
Supreme Error… Chief Justice Renato Corona told Noynoy, “The Supreme Court is not your enemy.” Of course not, Noynoy just didn’t like a midnight appointee sitting on the CJ’s chair.
One last fight… Newly elected Tongressman Dr. Master Sgt. Manny “Pacman” Pacquiao’s mom, Aling Dionisia, gave her blessing for Pacman to go for one last fight. Yup, she needed a billion pesos to maintain her new role as “Doña Dionisia,” the matriarch of the Paquiao dynasty.
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