David vs. Gloriath

Balitang Kutsero
by Perry Diaz

President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo — daughter of Diosdado Macapagal, the “poor boy from Lubao,” who became president in 1961 — is rumored to be going back to her roots. She built a 400-square-meter house in Lubao and it looks like she’s going to run for the congressional district seat currently occupied by her son, Mikey. I wonder how Mikey feels being told by his mama to “scoot over”? He should move to California and live in his beach front mansion and hang out in karaoke joints and juice bars. That’s better than living in the “Disenchanted Kingdom” of his mama.

But mama Gloria’s run for Congress is not going to be a piece of cake. Popular professor and columnist Randy David is going to run against her and give her a run for her money. Or is it the people’s money? Well folks, it’s going to be a battle royale between David and Gloriath.

But why would Gloriath want to run for Congress? My investigative reporter James Macaquecquec did some sleuthing in Lubao — the capital of Jueteng Land — and heard an interesting story. The story goes: Gloria and Mike were sleeping in their big house in Lubao when Mike was awakened by a noise. “Wake up, darling,” he whispered to Gloria. “there are thieves in the house.” “Don’t worry about them, go back to sleep,” Gloria told Mike. “But I’m scared, darling,” Mike whispered, “the thieves might hurt us and take all our money.” “Don’t worry, sweetheart, the thieves in the House will not hurt us. They’re all my friends and that’s the reason why I’m running for the House of Thieves next year. They promised that they’ll elect me as their next Speaker of the House.” Hail Gloria! The House of Thieves will never be the same again.

Well, I hope Gloria realizes that she won’t be a shoo-in for Mikey’s congressional seat. My other investigative reporter from Northern California heard another scuttlebutt going around in Gloria’s inner circle. It goes: Gloria’s executive secretary said, “Ma’am, why don’t you run for vice president like what you did in 1998 when Erap Estrada ran for president. He was a sure winner then and this time he has a very good chance of beating all his opponents including your ‘manok,’ Gibo Teodoro.” “Hmmm… if Erap wins and I win too, history might be repeated again,” Gloria said. “Bingo!” her legal secretary shouted. “Honey, that means that you can oust Erap again,” the First Gentleman interjected. “Happy days are here again, gang!” “Quiet!” Gloria told her husband and then turned to her political adviser, “Why don’t you get someone to nominate me for vice president at our party’s national convention. And make sure I get nominated, okay?”

News Item: Gloria’s supporters were saying that Gloria would be an “asset” to anyone who is elected president. Now, don’t tell that to Erap. After Gloria grabbed the presidency from Erap in 2001, Erap sees her as an “ace in the hole,” if you know what I mean.

The question is: Would Gloria take the risk of running and losing in the vice presidential race when her popularity rating has reached rock bottom? Gloria may be dumb but she’s not stupid. Did I say that right? Or should I say, Gloria may be stupid but she’s not dumb.

My take is that Gloria would rather run for Mikey’s congressional seat. She has a better chance of cheating… errr, winning in a district election than in a national election. Besides, Gloria is a hands-on person. Yep, she wants her hands in all the cookie jars she could find. And there’s a lot of cookie jars in Jueteng Land.

The vice presidential merry-go-round is turning out to be a circus. Presidential wannabes Manny Villar and Gibo Teodoro are still without VP running mates, and vice presidential wannabe Loren Legarda is still without a presidential running mate. And after Chiz Escudero bolted Danding’s NPC, Chiz realized that he doesn’t have a campaign machine and, worst, he doesn’t have money to buy votes. Now, that’s not only dumb, that’s stupid.

Look at Erap, it didn’t take him long to pick Jejomar Binay as his VP running mate. Binay may not be “winnable” but Erap couldn’t care less… as long as he wins the presidency. Erap is neither dumb nor stupid.

Erap’s secret weapon has always been his acting ability. He’s good whether he’s acting on the screen or acting as president. The only problem is that he can’t tell the difference.

When Erap announced his presidential bid, he told his 9,000 cheering fans that it’s going to be his “last performance.” What he didn’t tell them was that he was referring to a movie — a comedy — which will be released in December. It features him, comedienne Ai-Ai de las Alas, and Dionisia — Manny Pacquiao’s mama — in her screen debut. Yep, Erap’s “last performance” would be similar to his “first performance” as president of the country — a comedy.

With Gibo Teodoro’s failure to attract a vice presidential running mate, he’s trying again to get former actor and Sen. Ramon “Bong” Revilla Jr. as his running mate. The first time Gibo asked Bong to be his running mate, Bong told him that he had to ask his dad, former Sen. Ramon Revilla Sr., for his blessing. His dad told him not to run. Bong should have asked his more than 80 brothers and sisters — fathered by his dad with different women — for support. I’m pretty sure that they’d be more supportive of Bong. Sometimes being a sibling of a high government official would open windows of opportunity — the higher the position the bigger the opportunity. Ask the Lion King.

Meanwhile, Ferdinand “Bongbong” Marcos Jr. confirmed that he’s going to run for senator in Erap’s slate. The other day, Bongbong’s mama, Imelda Marcos, was heard cheering for his son, “Go, Bongbong, go! Be like your dad.” Oops! I don’t think the voters would buy that.