By Perry Diaz
Mai Mislang and P-Noy with friends at a "drinking session" after P-Noy's election victory
President Benigno “P-Noy” Aquino III’s speechwriter — or ghostwriter — Assistant Secretary Carmen “Mai” Mislang, turns out to be a “tweetwriter” too. Little did Mai realize that the tweets she posted on her Twitter account were accessible to everybody. So when she tweeted her boss, Communications Secretary Ricky Carandang, her world turned upside down. Mai, mai, what happened?
It happened during P-Noy’s junk… err… state visit to Vietnam. P-Noy’s Vietnamese hosts honored him and his entourage with a sumptuous state dinner. That means that if you’re a guest, you wouldn’t dare criticize the food. Well, Mai – maybe because of her ignorance or arrogance, or both – tweeted Ricky saying that the wine served at the dinner “sucks.” Then she tweeted, “Sorry pero walang pogi dito #vietnam” (Sorry, there are no handsome men here) and “Crossing the speedy motorcycle laden streets of Hanoi is one of the easiest ways to die.”
Mai’s faux pas would have been serious enough for her to be fired from her job. But coming to her defense was P-Noy himself who said that Mai is “young and could easily make mistakes.” That confirms what a politician once said: the government is being run like a student council… and, I might add, by juveniles.
It’s bad enough that Mai’s tweeting has become an embarrassing cause célèbre. But what followed was a bunch of tweakers who tweaked Mai, Ricky, and P-Noy. One tweaker posted: “Exposed for the twit she is, keeping Mislang is a reflection of the competence and character that the Pnoy administration foster.” Another tweaker posted: “Mislang will stay! How can Noynoy fire her when the other cabinet members made more graver faults yet were not fired?”
But it was Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile’s tweak that hit home: “When you are with the entourage of the President, you should be very careful, even with the way you walk, the way you eat, the way you speak. Whatever you do would reflect on your boss.” Well, maybe P-Noy should conduct a “pre-tour” orientation class for his entourage and show them how they should walk, eat, and speak. The class can be aptly called “Robotics.” Yup, it would turn them all into P-Noy robots.
This is very important because his next junk… err… foreign visit will be to Japan to attend the Asian Pacific Economic Conference (APEC). The Japanese people are very regimented especially when it comes to etiquette at the dining table. It’s customary for dinner guests to burp after dinner. It’s a mandatory compliment akin to saying, “The food is great! Thank you verrry much.” Yup, if you don’t burp, that’s considered rude. Now, it is important that P-Noy demonstrate to members of his entourage how he burps. There’s a short and a long burp. The long burp means you’re very satisfied with the food. So the long burp is diplomatically correct. Try it… “burrrrrp.”
But P-Noy is not taking any chances so he decided that Mai would not go to Japan. Yup, the last thing P-Noy wants to hear is Mai tweeting the whole world that the sushi sucks and the sake tastes like basi mixed with vinegar.
Peripatetic prez… The APEC event in Japan would be P-Noy’s third foreign trip since he became president four months ago. According to him, he has received invitations to visit six ASEAN countries. Well, it looks like he’s going to be as peripatetic as former prez Gloria Macapagal Arroyo.
Hey, that hotdog in New York must have tasted really good that P-Noy wanted to taste all the hotdogs in the world. However, he should be careful cuz in some countries, their hotdog tastes like… a hot dog. And that’s another reason why Mai should never travel with P-Noy again. Imagine her tweeting, “Gee, the hotdog here tastes like my lolo’s ‘azucena’ in Baguio.” Woof, woof.
Battle of the tweeters… Soon after Mai posted her controversial tweets about Vietnam, her Facebook account was flooded with “hate” posts from her erstwhile “fans.” Within a few days and by the time she closed her Facebook and Twitter accounts, there were more than 800 “hate” posts including demands that she quit or be fired.
Then, one of Mai’s supporters created another Facebook account called “We love you Mai Mislang”. The account administrator challenged Mai’s “haters” to a debate on “what good acts they can do for the country.” Hey, anybody can do a hundred acts better than saying “the wine sucks”!
One of Mai’s defenders posted on Mai’s new Facebook account a picture of what seems like a “drinking session” showing Mai with P-Noy and several others. Now, I can see why P-Noy wouldn’t fire Mai. Like his “shooting buddy,” Rico Puno, whom he didn’t want to fire after Rico ran away from the August 23 hostage-taking crisis, Mai is P-Noy’s “drinking buddy.” Since P-Noy is a non-drinker, Mai does all the drinking and P-Noy does all the BS.
Shalani tweets… Meanwhile, P-Noy’s former girlfriend, Valenzuela City councilor Shalani Soledad, tweeted in her Twitter account, “No matter what, he will always have my support. That you can count on. Good morning.” That’s called “love at hindsight.”
There have been sightings of P-Noy together with his hair stylist and alleged new tweetheart, Liz Uy. It must be quite interesting – and challenging – styling P-Noy’s hair to give him that “distinguished presidential look.”
Wouldn’t anyone be surprised if P-Noy appointed Liz to the PAG-IBIG Board of Trustees just like what ex-prez Gloria did when she appointed her manicurist to the PAG-IBIG Board? Hey, why not? The position pays P130,000 a month! And the Board convenes only once a month. That’s what I call a “tweetheart” deal.
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Gloria’s tweetheart deal… How in Heaven’s name did Gloria get P2.2 billion in pork barrel funds allocated to her congressional district for 2011? According to her spokesperson, Gloria negotiated these loans from Japanese and South Korean lenders specifically for projects in he home district when she was still president. But can’t P-Noy cancel these loans since he is now the president? The deal is analogous to Gloria getting a loan to build a house in her property and all her neighbors will repay the loan. That’s not fair! But who says life is fair in the Philippines?
Only in the Philippines… News report says: “A Philippine village watchman mistook an actor for a real masked gunman, jumped onto his moving motorcycle and fatally shot him.” According to the police, as the director shouted “Action!” actor Kirk Abella began to speed away on a motorcycle with a masked driver. The watchman, Eddie Cuizon, grabbed Abella by the shirt and shot him. Cuizon said he was just responding to a report about the presence of armed men in his community and didn’t realize that they were just “shooting” a movie. Well, these days you don’t know when people are just acting or doing the real thing.
(PerryDiaz@gmail.com)
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