P-Noy and Bill

Balitang Kutsero
By Perry Diaz 




Former U.S. President Bill Clinton paid President Benigno “P-Noy” Aquino III a private courtesy call when he was in Manila a few days ago. According to Presidential Communications Development and Strategic Planning Secretary, whew, Ricky Carandang, P-Noy and Bill hit it off.  The following is a transcript of their tête-à-tête:

Bill:  How are you, Mr. President?

P-Noy:  Very well, how are you Mr. President?

Bill:  Never been better!  Just call me Bill.  Can I call you Noynoy… Peenoy… Penoy…?

P-Noy:  P-Noy is just fine, Bill.  You look nice in your barong.

Bill:  Yeah, I love this bay-rong, Pee-Noy.  My good friend Glory gave this to me in one of her junkets to the U.S.  How is she, by the way?

P-Noy:  Glory? Hmmm… She’s now a congresswoman and doing very well in her new racket… I mean, new job.  Hehehe…

Bill:  Racket? Hahaha… Glory never changed!  I bet you she’ll be pigging out on her humongous pork barrel.  How much pork are you giving her?  P50 million… P60 million?

P-Noy:  Well, more than that.  She’s getting her regular P70 million pork barrel allocation.  But she’s getting an extra P50 million plus P28 million… another P25 million from the Road User’s Tax… and… uhh…

Bill:  And… what? Don’t tell me she’s getting more than that?  That’s a lot of money already.

P-Noy:  Well, actually she’s getting another P2.2 billion.

Bill:  What? Two-point-two-billion-pesos?  Holy shit!  That’s a lot of moolah, Pee-Noy!  What did she do to you that you’re giving her that kind of money???

P-Noy:  Nothing, really.

Bill: Nothing?  That’s even worse, amigo!  At least you should get something for it.

P-Noy:  Well, actually she’s the one who wants more.  Not money, but power.  I think she’s plotting to take over the speakership of the House.

Bill:  Uh, uh, you gotta watch out, pal.  I know her like the palm of my hand.

P-Noy:  Which hand?  Left or right?  By the way, how’s Mo…

Bill:  Hahaha…  You’re naughty.  I like your sense of humor, Pee-Noy.  But let’s not go there, okay?

P-Noy:  Gotcha!  Hehehe…

Bill:  You got me there all right.  Hey, I heard that you’re getting married to your hair stylist?  Is that true?  It’s about time cuz in another five years you’ll be a senior citizen.

P-Noy:  That’s just a rumor.  I’m still in the dating mode.  Hehehe… I want to make sure that whomever I’ll marry is acceptable to my four sisters.

Bill:  That’s not good.  Why do you need your sisters’ permission to marry someone?

P-Noy:  Well, you see… since my mommy passed away last year, my sisters became my surrogate mothers.  They even approve whom I appoint to executive positions and I can’t fire anyone unless they sanction it.

Bill:  Now that figures why you didn’t let go of your “shooting buddy” for running away from a hostage-taking crisis.  Pee-Noy, listen from an old pro like me.  Nobody should tell you whom to marry. My advice is: follow your heart and marry the woman you really love.

P-Noy:  Well that could be a problem.

Bill:  A problem?  I don’t understand.  You mean to say that you have a problem falling in love with women?  Hmmm…

P-Noy:  Oh, no!  Not that kind of problem!  My problem is that I love all the women I’ve dated.  That’s why I’m still a bachelor.  I just can’t make up my mind.  You see, the next girl seems to be better than the previous one.  So when do I settle down?

Bill: Whoa!  I like that kind of a problem.  Hey, that’s my problem too, amigo!  I love them all.  Now, we have something in common, lover boy.

P-Noy:  But you still married your wife?

Bill:  Duh? There’s nothing wrong with marrying one of the women I love.

P-Noy:  Well, you convinced me, Bill.  I’ll get married on October 11 next year, my parents’ – bless their souls — wedding anniversary.

Bill:  Attaboy!  I’ll drink to that, my friend.  Here’s to the lucky woman.  Cheers!

P-Noy:  Thanks.  But I have a little problem.  Maybe you can help me here.

Bill:  And what is that?

P-Noy:  Which one should I marry?

Bill:  Hmmm… How many girlfriends do you have?

P-Noy:  I think I have 18, maybe more.  But I’m only seeing five right now.

Bill:  Man, you’re a lady-killer.  You don’t have a “little” problem, pal.  You have two big problems!  One, you have too many girlfriends; and, two, you can’t make a decision on whom to marry.  Sorry, I can’t help you there, amigo.  You gotta make up your mind.

P-Noy:  Well…

Bill: Hey, I must go, I got a plane to catch.  It was nice talking to you, my friend.  If you need to communicate with me in the future, just have Mai Mai tweet me, okay?

P-Noy: Sucks!

Bill: What did you say?

P-Noy: Nothing.  Bye.

***
Disclaimer:  This “transcript” is fictional and does not represent actual events.
(PerryDiaz@gmail.com)