Balitang Kutsero
by Perry Diaz
“If Noynoy has Kris, I have Pacman,” says Manny Villar, a.k.a.“Money Villarroyo.” Thus began the battle royale between two Titans in the entertainment industry. Yup, it’s going to be Pacman vs. Kris, folks. Pacman has 48-3-2 stats (confirmed) while Kris has 36-24-36 stats (unconfirmed). Kris is brainy and beautiful, Pacman is brawny and loves beautiful women. Kris is good at acting, Pacman is acting like he can act good. Kris sings and dances on stage, Pacman sings in a karaoke bar and dances in the ring. Well, folks, may the best woman win!
After his easy victory over Joshua Clottey, Manny “Pacman” Pacquiao hinted that he might be retiring soon. Makes me wonder why? Is Pacman scared of Floyd Mayweather? Well, like the old saying goes, “Quit while you’re a head.” I’m not sure about that cuz I thought Pacman already lost his head over a young and sexy actress. I’d like to see a match between Pacman (1-0) and Tiger Woods (14-0) at what they do best. That would really be something to watch.
Pacquiao has been promoted to Senior Master Sergeant in the Armed Forces of the Philippines. A reservist, Pacquiao goes to military training once in a while. When he first showed up at the boot camp, Pacquiao gave a salute to the commander. The commander noticed the way Pacquiao saluted so he told him, “You salute with all your fingers straight. You’re saluting with only two fingers. That’s for boy scouts.” Pacquiao was flabbergasted, he said, “Sir, I tut I joined the boy scouts, hindi pala.”
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With the presidential campaign heating up, the candidates are bringing in top entertainers in their campaign sorties. Money Villarroyo has Comedy King Dolphy campaigning for him. Bur rumor has it that Dolphy told Villarroyo that he can only spend one hour a day on the campaign trail. Villarroyo didn’t give up, he offered Dolphy more money to spend more time campaigning for him. Yup, what Manny wants, money gets.
What do Manny Villar and Gloria Macapagal Arroyo have in common? Gloria is the daughter of the poor boy from Lubao while Manny is the son of a poor man from Tondo. Today, both Gloria and Manny are filthy rich. It really pays to be elected in office.
What do Manny Villar and Bro. Mike Velarde have in common? Manny made P6 billion from the C-5 road extension project while Bro. Mike made P1.2 billion. Some people call them business partners, others call them partners in crime. Either way, they made lots and lots of money. Now, Villar is running for president and Bro. Mike for Congress. On to better things; the opportunities never end in the land of milk and honey. Yup, lots of cows to milk and plenty “honeys” of the night.
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Conversation between Gloria and her granddaughter:
Apo: Lola, I’m very sad.
Lola: Why, my apo?
Apo: Cuz, lolo told me that you’re not going to be president anymore.
Lola: Don’t worry, apo, cuz I’ll be Prime Minister soon.
Apo: What is Prime Monster, lola? Sounds scary! Nakakatakot!
Lola: No, apo, it’s not ‘monster,’ it’s ‘minister.’
Apo: You mean like a church minister?
Lola: Yup, but the church will be very big, it’s the entire country.
Apo: But a church minister doesn’t make lots of money like you did as a president.
Lola: Well, in my church, the minister makes tons of money.
Apo: How?
Lola: Think of the money the people donate to the church.
Apo: I’m confused, lola. I thought the people give money to the church, not to the minister.
Lola: Yes, apo. But you see, I am the church.
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With all the land-grabbing charges made against Money Villarroyo, columnist Lito Banayo wrote: “
A retired colonel who was once one of FVR’s most trusted managers, and whose integrity has been unquestioned, sent me this funny text message: ‘We need a land grabber to get Sabah. Vote Villarroyo and get Sabah back.’ ”
News Item: “Villar vows justice for Luisita victims.” That is a big piece of land that is ripe for pickin’ and grabbin’ by Money Villarroyo.
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Mikey Arroyo gave way to his mom Gloria so she can run for his congressional seat in Pampanga’s second district. Mikey said that he did it because Gloria is one million times smarter than he is. Nobody disputed him on that. But when it was announced that he’s the nominee of the party-list Ang Galing Pinoy, a lot of people protested. It turned out that Ang Galing Pinoy is a party-list that seeks to represent the marginalized sector of security guards and tricycle drivers in the House of Representatives.
Critics are saying that Mikey and other alleged “bogus” party-list nominees are “bastardizing” the party-list system. With the numerous “bogus” party-list groups that sprang recently, the House of Representatives would end up as the “House of Inglorious Bastards.” Hey, one of them is called GLOW (Gloria Arroyo). I guess Gloria considers herself marginalized now, huh?
I agree that Mikey can’t represent the security guards — he’s never been a “sikyu,” as security guards are called, all his life. But my investigative reporter James Macaquecquec got a scoop that Mikey is going to prove that he was at one time a tricycle driver. Mikey has an old picture showing him driving a tricycle, a gift from his mom when he was four years old. I’m sure that, with little greasing, he can convince the Comelec commissioners that he is qualified to represent Ang Galing Pinoy.
If Ang Galing Pinoy wins in the May 10 elections, Mikey will join his mom Gloria, who is expected to win Mikey’s old seat, and three other Arroyos: his brother Dato Arroyo, his uncle Iggy Arroyo, and Iggy’s sister Lourdes of Ang Kasangga party-list. Evidently, the Arroyo dynasty will be around for sometime. Wah wah wee! Kawawa naman ang Pilipinas.
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