Saturday, April 24, 2010

Pacman and Pekman

Balitang Kutsero
by Perry Diaz

It must be destiny that brought them together. Both claimed they came from dirt poor families. Both became filthy rich. They’re tocayos, named Manny. And they believe that they’re destined to make history. Yup, Manny Pacquiao already made history punching his way to fame. Meanwhile, Manny Villar’s critics were saying that he wants to make history by faking poverty — or as one columnist said, “PEKENG MAHIRAP” — to become president. Pacquiao’s fans call him “Pacman” while Villar’s critics call him “Pekman,” like in “fake man.”

Pacman and Pekman hit it off and off they hit the road entertaining enthusiastic crowds. But it’s beginning to look more like a Pacman show when the people shouted, “Pacman! Pacman! Pacman!” Poor Pekman, he should have brought the octogenarian comedy king Dolphy instead of the macho and mean-looking Pacman who’s getting all the attention especially from the women. Hey, his friends didn’t call him “chickboy” for nothing.

***

The other day, the fearless Sen. Jamby “Indiana Jones” Madrigal accused Villar and Bro. Mike Velarde — head of the religious sect El Shaddai — as “partners in crime” in the controversial C-5 road extension project. Jamby said that Villar made P6.2 billion from the realignment of C-5 while Bro. Mike made P1.2 billion in right-of-way payment. Indeed, Villar is very good in mixing business with politics while Bro. Mike is very good in mixing business with religion. Now, they can be called the “Villarde” partners.

Gloria’s “kiss of death” is hurting Gilbert “Gibo” Teodoro’s presidential bid. The word is that Gloria is now supporting Villar… secretly. And guess what? Villar is now called “Money Villarroyo.” But it seems like he’s been smacked by Gloria’s deadly kiss because his poll rating has mysteriously began to go down.

Gloria didn’t like the talks about “Villarroyo” so she ordered her PaLaKa party members to stop talking about “Villarroyo.” But the problem is that most of the PaLaKa party members have already defected to the Villarroyo camp. PaLaKa was designed like the “unsinkable” Titanic but it turned out to be more like Howard Hughes’ Spruce Goose, a humongous seaplane that couldn’t fly.

And then Gibo quit as PaLaKa’s chairman when he heard that First Gentleman Mike Arroyo had been calling PaLaKa members to switch to Villarroyo. And guess who took over the chairmanship? Gloria’s good friend, House Deputy Speaker Amelita Villarosa. Gibo is now seeing “VILLAR” written all over. And when Gloria ordered the PaLaKa troops to “circle the wagons” around him, Gibo knew the end is near. Wasn’t that what the Seventh Cavalry did for Gen. George Armstrong Custer at the battle of Little Big Horn? The buzz now is: “Giba na si Gibo” (“Gibo is finished”).

With Villarroyo’s poll rating lagging behind Noynoy Aquino, Noynoy would likely be the first bachelor president of the Philippines. Noynoy said that he’s not going to marry right away. Lucky for his sister Kris, she’d be the First Lady and, sadly, Noynoy’s girlfriend Shalani Soledad would have to contend as the First Lady-in-waiting. And if there’s another one, Second Lady-in-waiting and so on. However, I don’t think Noynoy is that kind of a guy. I could be wrong though ‘cuz I used to say the same thing about Tiger Woods… and Pacman, too! Didn’t someone once say, “All men are the same”? Yup, but different sizes… ahem, I mean… like heights and weights.

Reminds me of former president Joseph “Erap” Estrada. Before he became president, he reputedly built identical houses for his five — or was it six or seven? — mistresses. He could then sleep in any one of them and he’d always feel at home. But when he moved to Malacanang when he was elected president, his real wife moved in, too, and immediately took the title of First Lady. Like they say, “it comes with the territory.” His mistresses had to settle for First Mistress, Second Mistress, and so on.

***

Presidential wannabe Richard “Flashy Dick” Gordon asked voters to make a principled choice on May 10. For once, the voters believe him. Yup, his poll rating is still stuck at one percent, never went up a bit. Maybe, he should tell voters to forget about their principles and vote for him. But that’s too risky though, he might end up with zero vote.

Recently, Flashy Dick and his side kick Bayani Fernando met their supporters at Barbara’s Restaurant, owned by Flashy Dick’s sister, in Intramuros. I’ve been to that restaurant before and I believe it only has a seating capacity of no more than 50 people. His event was graced by comic Moymoy Palaboy (who?) and several other lesser-known celebs. Well, it really takes money to get known celebs like Dolphy. Supposedly it cost Pekman P30 million to get the octogenarian comedy king to just wave his hands at his rallies.

But Flashy Dick has been winning in mock elections in Singapore and the United Arab Emirates, two countries each the size of Intramuros. Seriously, I think he should expand his campaign to big cities like Quezon City and Davao City.

Former prez Fidel V. Ramos, an octogenarian who looks like a young tiger in the woods as he puffs an unlit Churchill cigar, gave advice to the “tailenders” like Flashy Dick, Gibo, and Jamby Madrigal. He said they shouldn’t be discouraged by their poor performance because he too was a tailender when he ran for prez in 1998. And he won!

***

After clobbering Joshua Clottey but failing to knock him out, Pacman hinted that he might be retiring soon. While Pacman earned billions of pesos punching other people’s faces, he must have figured out that there was a better way of becoming rich without getting hurt. I’m beginning to suspect that Pekman had been mentoring Pacman on the “fine art” of grabbing land and building homes using other people’s money. My investigative reporter James Macaquecquec found out that Pacman has been going to Norzagaray, Bulacan lately looking for land to grab. Attaboy, Pacman, you’re learning fast!

Watch out, folks! Here come Pacman and Pekman! Rockin’ and grabbin’!

(PerryDiaz@gmail.com)

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