Balitang Kutsero
by Perry Diaz
Illustration by Dave San Pedro
First, there were allegations that Manny Villar — a.k.a.“Money Villarroyo” — tried to bribe Joseph “Erap” Estrada to withdraw from the presidential race. Then Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile exposed an attempt by Villar last year to bribe him to go easy on him on the C-5 road extension investigation. And then Dick Gordon exposed Villar for offering a bribe and a cabinet position in Villar’s administration if he withdrew his signature from the Senate committee report recommending censure for Villar in connection with the C-5 road extension controversy.
Recently, Nicanor “Nicky” Perlas revealed that two leading rivals have tried to buy him out of the race by offering a spot in their senatorial line-up, including an all-expense paid campaign. I don’t think Noynoy Aquino would want to buy him out. Not with his frontrunner status. Besides, Noynoy — unlike Money Villarroyo — doesn’t have the kind of moolah to bribe anybody.
With news reports about Money Villarroyo bribing (lagay) his rivals to withdraw from the presidential derby, it reminds me of King Louis XI of France who had a proclivity for buying out his enemies instead of fighting them. Money Villarroyo’s similarly strange behavior seems to manifest a new kind of disorder: “Villalagay Syndrome,” which is, “if you can’t beat them, buy them; if you can’t buy them, cheat them.”
A few days ago, Comelec chairman Jose Melo told politicians to forget about cheating in the coming elections because the Automated Election System (AES) is tamper-proof. He suggested, “It’s better for them (candidates) to just buy the election by paying their rivals to withdraw.” Asked if he would give the same advice to Villarroyo, Melo said, “Even if he has the money, he can’t buy everything.” Oh, yeah? What Manny wants, money gets.
My investigative reporter James Macaquecquec got a inside scoop from“Deep Truth,” his informant in the Villarroyo camp. According to “Deep Truth,” Villarroyo is putting together a plan to buy out all his rivals in the race. But Gloria found out about his plan and demanded that he pays her a “tongpat” (commission) of 25% of the lagay to ensure that the AES machines will not be tampered by the notorious “Garci Boys.” “But Melo said the AES machines are tamper-proof,” Villarroyo protested. “Ha ha ha,” Gloria laughed. “Listen, did you read what that whistle-blower Joey de Venecia say about the AES machines?” “Yeah,” Villarroyo responded, “Joey said that ‘one need not be a rocket scientist to maneuver the outcome—and some 30 people can do the job.’ Is it really that easy?” “Yup, it’s that simple,” Gloria quipped. “Okay, I’ll pay you your tongpat then,” Villarroyo said.
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A few days ago, the Comelec agreed with Noynoy to disqualify presidential candidate Vetellano Acosta. Rumors were going around that Acosta bribed the Comelec commissioners P5 million each to be certified as a presidential candidate. Now that he’s disqualified, I wouldn’t be surprised if he wants his lagay back. Sorry, pal, but in this business, lagay is not refundable.
Noynoy must be ecstatic right now. First he was chosen among the top five “most trusted” Filipinos in a recent Reader’s Digest Poll while Villarroyo placed 60th in a field of 80 known personalities. Secondly, Pulse Asia’s new survey showed his lead widening over Villarroyo by 7%.
But the most improved is Nicky Perlas whose rating increased by a whopping 400% from .05% to .2%. Nicky should be able to catch up in 10 years. He should drop out of the race though; otherwise, he’d become known as “dakilang panggulo” (magnificent spoiler).
Dick Gordon’s rating remains at 1% while his nephew John Carlos “JC” de los Reyes dropped from 0.3% to zero! I think it’s about time for Flashy Dick and JC to drop out of the race; otherwise, they’d become known as the Don Quixote and Sancho Panza of politics.
Erap Estrada’s rating increased by 6%. He’s confident that he’ll win. He said that the “Erap magic” is still alive. Well, Noynoy claims that the “Cory magic” can work miracles for him. But the people should be wary about Villarroyo because his “money-making magic” has been working wonders for him… like the C-5 double insertion magic, the Savannah land conversion magic, and the Norzagaray land grabbing magic.
Meanwhile, Gilbert “Gibo” Teodoro is making a lot of promises. He promised to work to sustain an economic growth of 8%. I think he’s beginning to think like Gloria where she would add 5% to everything, including her “tongpats.” Gibo also vowed not to appoint any of his campaign contributors to his government. Huh? Do you think that they would want to be appointed to his government? Hindi sila lokoloko (They’re not crazy). But what they want is to get a part of the action. Hey, they’re all businessmen, so they’d want a return of their investments! Right?
Villarroyo boasted that because he’s spending his own money in his campaign, he doesn’t have to repay anybody when he’s elected President. Sino ang niloloko niya? (Who is he fooling?) Of course he will repay himself, he’s a businessman!
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Noynoy invaded “Marcos country” the other day. He told Imelda’s province mates that Gloria is the issue today, not Marcos anymore. But didn’t Noynoy promise last year that if he’s elected President his first act would be to recover the Marcos loot and return it to the people? Well, that was last year. Recently, Noynoy found out that Gloria had already recovered the Marcos loot… and she hid it. That is why Noynoy is going after Gloria’s loot.
Talking about the Imeldific… Imelda is running for Congress but not to represent her home province Leyte. She is running for her late husband’s Ilocos Norte district. She’d better watch out! She may consider herself an “Ilocana by injection” but unless she can drink basi and eatkilawen, kaldereta, jumping shrimps, and fried beetles, she won’t be accepted as anIlocana.
Meanwhile, Villarroyo promised the Ilocanos that if they vote for him, he will transfer Marcos’ remains to the Libingan ng mga Bayani (Heroes’ Cemetery) in Metro Manila. He was shocked when he found out that the Ilocanos didn’t want Marcos’ body removed from his mausoleum in Batac, Ilocos Norte. The Marcos mausoleum — air-conditioned with piped-in music 24/7 — is Batac’s number one tourist attraction. Villarroyo should learn how the Ilocano psyche works before opening his mouth.
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