A Tale of Two TNTs

Balitang Kutsero
By Perry Diaz

Two Pinoy TNTs — “tago ng tago” (illegal aliens) — in the US were deported. On board CON-AIR on their way to the Philippines, they related their sad stories to each other. Berting asked Roming, “Why were you deported?” “It’s a long story,” replied Roming. “After arriving in California 15 years ago with a tourist visa, I decided to get married so I can get a green card. I married two Pinays to make sure that at least one of them would petition for me.” “So what happened?” asked Berting. “Well, it turned out, both of them were TNTs too,” replied Roming. “Gunggong ka naman pala!” quipped Berting.

“Gago, how about you? Why were you deported?” asked Roming. Berting was quiet. “Come on, tell me,” Roming said. “Well… I jumped ship in California 40 years ago,” Berting said. “So?” Roming asked. “Well… It took me that long to look for someone to marry. Finally I found the right person. After we got married, I applied for naturalization but it was rejected,” Berting said. “Rejected! Why?” Roming asked. Berting hesitated and then said, “Well… I found out that the U.S. government doesn’t recognize same-sex marriage.” “Talyada!” quipped Roming.

My investigative reporter James Macaquecquec heard from the grapevine that Lilia Pineda is leading in the recount against Gov. Ed Panlilio by 1,000 votes. I am not surprised cuz while Panlilio claims that the Lord Jesus is on his side, Pineda claims that she is married to the Jueteng Lord.

News Item: First Gentleman Mike Arroyo’s affidavit to the Ombudsman says, “I have never taken advantage of my marriage to the President by requesting or receiving any gift or advantage from anyone dealing with the government.” But his son Mikey admitted to using money from campaign donors to buy a beachfront property and businesses in the U.S. Well, like they say, “It’s all relative.” Huh?

News Item: “The Supreme Court on Friday dismissed a complaint that sought the disbarment of Sen. Miriam Defensor Santiago for calling the High Tribunal a ‘Supreme Court of idiots’.” Didn’t someone once call Miriam, “Brenda,” short for “brain damage”? Like they say, “It takes one to know one.”

Noynoy Aquino said that recovery of the ill-gotten wealth of Marcos will be on his agenda should he become president. Too late, Gloria already recovered them. No wonder Imelda Marcos has been using the same pair of shoes for the past four years.

Imelda is encouraging her son, Congressman Ferdinand “Bongbong” Marcos Jr., to run for president. She wants to be appointed “Mother of the Barangay” at one peso a year salary. Sounds like a good deal. But what Imelda didn’t say was that she would need a one-billion pesos a year budget for her expense account and also a private executive jet to fly her to all 42,000 barangays. High maintenance talaga si Imelda!

News Item: “Vice President Noli de Castro, one of the frontrunners in surveys of presidential aspirants for the 2010 elections, is no longer on the ‘radar screen’ of the ruling Lakas-Kampi-CMD (PALAKA) in its search for a standard-bearer, Executive Secretary Eduardo Ermita disclosed yesterday.” Wouldn’t it be more accurate to say that Noli is not interested to be Gloria’s anointed candidate? The truth is: Gloria’s “kiss of death” scares Noli to death. I think he’s now more interested in writing his memoirs — “The President I Could Have Been.”

The choice for PALAKA’s standard bearer is now down to Gilbert “Gibo” Teodoro and Bayani Fernando. Hmmm… Recent polls show Gibo at 0.2 percent and Bayani at zero percent popularity. And they insisted that they’re still in the race?

Gibo’s problem is how to magically transform 0.2 percent to 25%. According to Pulse Asia, out of 1,800 nationwide respondents, only four mentioned him as their choice for president if elections were held last August. James Macaquecquec heard from the grapevine that Gloria told Gibo not to worry… she’ll call Garci again.

Noynoy’s family is 100% behind him, says his sister, Kris Aquino. But Kris wants Noynoy to remain a bachelor. Hmmm… If Noynoy remains single, then Kris could become the First Lady when Noynoy wins. They’d make an interesting pair — the beauty and the brain.

Noynoy declared his presidential bid on 09/09/09. Many people consider that to be a lucky combination. However, Eddie Villanueva, leader of the Jesus is Lord Movement, remains “unshaken.” But with less than 1% rating, I don’t understand why Eddie is still in the race. The last time he ran for prez in 2004, he placed last among five candidates. Well, this time around, Gibo and Bayani will give him a run for his money… for the last place.

News report says that Gloria’s 81 foreign trips are more frequent that that of US presidents. Gloria must have earned enough “frequent flyer” mileage for a one-way ticket to the Moon. Now, the Pinoys can say that we’re the first to colonize the Moon. No wonder Gloria has been heard singing, “Fly me to the Moon.”

News Item: “Fidel Ramos rejected Lakas-Kampi-CMD chairman emeritus.” Of course! Why would FVR take over a sinking ship? Never underestimate a man in his golden years. He may be forgetful but he’s not stupid.

After two millennia, the Roman Catholic Church has finally stopped the tradition of drinking wine from a cup because of the H1N1 flu. From now on it’s BYOB — bring your own booze! Thanks, swine!

News Item: “The father of Sarah Palin, the former governor of Alaska and vice presidential nominee, says his daughter has been steering clear of the media spotlight in recent weeks to focus on writing her memoirs.” James Macaquecquec heard from the grapevine that Sarah’s book will be titled, “101 Reasons Why I Lost the Vice Presidency.” Number 1 reason is: “I should have run for President instead.”

During Prez Barack Obama’s Healthcare address to Congress, Republican congressman Charles Wilson shouted “You lie!” The following day, Wilson apologized. Too bad. If he didn’t apologize, Obama would have invited him for a round of drinks at the White House.

Obama has been wanting to invite Sen. John McCain for a round of drinks at the White House. But he couldn’t decide whether to serve him Ensure or Metamucil.