La Gloria Goes Home Hunting

Balitang Kutsero
by Perry Diaz

After her junket to Libya a few weeks ago, President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo went junketing again. This time to Turkey, United Kingdom, and Saudi Arabia. I wonder what the heck is going on with La Gloria so I asked my investigative reporter, James Macaquecquec, to call his contacts in those countries. He found out that Gloria had been hunting for a home in a country to go to in exile after she steps down in 2010.

According to James, the Turkish President bluntly told her, “I’m sorry madam but we already have too many turkeys here and I’m afraid we can’t handle another turkey especially one with a large entourage like you.”

In the United Kingdom, the Prime Minister told Gloria, “I heard that you are planning to have an ‘enchanted kingdom’ in the country of your exile. I’m sorry madam but I’m afraid we can’t have another queen in our kingdom. We’re happy with the one we have right now.”

In Saudi Arabia, the King was very accommodating. He told Gloria, “You are most welcome here, madam. We’ll provide you and your husband with a magnificent palace in our country. But you have to conform to our laws and traditions. Because you’re a woman, you will be required to wear a ‘burqa’ whenever you’re outside the palace. And for your husband Mike, we’re more than happy to provide him with a harem of 72 virgins.” Mike smiled and said, “Gee, that’s great!” The King cut him out, “On one condition! This will only happen if you become a martyr for Islam.” Mike gasped and fainted.

The Taliban leader in Afghanistan heard about the Saudi King’s proposal and immediately called Gloria, “Madam, you are most welcome to settle here in Afghanistan. We certainly could use your husband here. We offer you one of our best and largest caves in the mountains. The cave next to Osama bin Laden is vacant and you can have it right now. And… don’t worry, we’ll train Mike on how to become a ‘martyr’ for Islam.” “Go to hell!” replied Gloria and hung up.

Disgruntled, Gloria went back home. A few days later, the Chinese President called Gloria, “I heard that you’re not happy with the reception from the countries you visited?” “Yeah, It sucks,” replied Gloria. “Well,” the Chinese leader said, “I can offer you a comfortable home in one of the islands in the Spratly archipelago. What I have in mind is the Mischief Reef which we claim as our territory. Unfortunately, your government is contesting our claim. A good compromise would be for you and your family to move and live there forever. You can be mischievous and do anything you want to do — scuba diving, skinny dipping, etcetera. Nobody will bother you. For your security, we’ll provide you a platoon of Chinese soldiers. We’ll even provide you with an in-house plastic surgeon just in case you’ll have another lea… umm, you know what I mean. How’s that Madam President?” Silence. “Hello… hello! Are you there?” Mike picked up the phone and said, “Gloria just collapsed! What did you tell her?” “Nothing,” the cunning Chinese leader replied and hung up.

News Item: “God save the Philippines from Joseph Estrada!” says Sen. Ping Lacson. But that’s already done in 2001 and look who we got now, Gloria! Would somebody please say, “God save the Philippines from Gloria Macapagal Arroyo”?

It took Noynoy a lot of courage when he entered the presidential race with nothing but a yellow shirt on his back and a fire in his belly. But the other candidates are also on fire. Manny Villar has fire in his pockets which has been burning hundreds of millions for his campaign. Erap Estrada has fire in his heart which endears him to the powerless poor. Chiz Escudero has fire in his head which gives him lots of ideas on how a kid could run the government. And Gibo has fire in his “cojones” which, in spite of his .02% rating, keeps him going against all odds.

And what happened to Bayani Fernando? He still couldn’t figure it out why Gibo beat him for PaLaKa’s nomination? He should have known that La Gloria’s preferences were Noli first, Gibo second, and Bayani… zero. Now, he’s saying that he’s going to bolt PaLaKa! Quo vadis, Bayani?

Who are the other casualties of the Rigodon de Horror? Dick Gordon found out that he’s too chubby to fight like Flash Gordon. Nick Perlas found out that nobody is reading his website on how he will run the government. Fr. Ed Panlilio found out that being a priest is not enough to exorcise corruption out of government. Bro. Eddie Villanueva found out that to win he has to be “numero uno” not just a “miron.” Loren Legarda would find out pretty soon that beauty is not a replacement for brains. Miriam Defensor-Santiago found out that brains is not a substitute for beauty. Jamby Madrigal knew that money can’t buy brains. Jojo Binay found out that he needs charisma to win. Bro. Mike Velarde found out that being Charismatic is not enough to win. Noli De Castro found out that running for president under Gloria’s PaLaKa is a “kiss of death.” JC de los Reyes found out that to run he needs to learn how to walk first. And Erap Estrada will soon find out that at 72 years, all he could do is play domino.