Balitang Kutsero
by Perry Diaz
With 10 candidates running for President of the Philippines, God decided to interview all of them to decide whom to anoint. God asked each of the presidential wannabes the same question: “What would be your first act on Day One of your presidency?”
God: “Who wants to volunteer first?”
Noynoy Aquino: “Me! Me!”
God: “Since you’re the frontrunner, go ahead, Noynoy. Your mom talks highly of you. So, let’s hear what you have in mind.”
Noynoy: “Lord, my first act would be to confiscate all of Marcos’ ill-gotten wealth and use them to build millions of ‘Gawad Kalinga’ homes for the poor, provide jobs for the jobless, and feed the hungry. I’ll build a Bagong Pilipinas (new Philippines) in memory of my parents, Ninoy and Cory. Mabuhay ang Bagong Pilipinas!”
God: “Very good! I like your vision of a Bagong Pilipinas. I’m sure your mom and dad will not be disappointed with you. Who’s next?”
Manny Villar: “Bah! ‘Gawad Kalinga’ homes are cheap. There’s no profit in building those little homes. I’ve been building homes for more than 30 years, Lord. My first act will be to build roads — like the C-5 Road — all over the Philippines to link all the subdivisions that I’m going build and sell to the people. And then I’ll donate 10% of my profit to Gawad Kalinga so they can build those little homes for the poor.”
God: “That sounds like an excellent business plan. I’m sure that it would make you 100 times richer than you are today. Maybe you should donate 10% of your profits to the Church too. How about you, Gibo?”
Gibo Teodoro: “Lord, with all due respect to Manny, but his roads aren’t going to connect all the 7,000 islands in the country. So I’m going to build bridges and tunnels to connect all the islands.”
God: “Wow wow wee! That’s fantastic! And do you think that you’ll accomplish all that in six years? You may have to stay in power for at least another 30 years just to finish a fraction of your plan. It might be worth keeping you in power as long as you continue building bridges. Let me think about it.”
Gibo: “Actually, that’s my personal agenda, Lord. I have to stay in power until all the bridges and tunnels are completed. I’ll transform our beloved Pilipinas into an ‘Enchanted Kingdom’ in 20 years.”
God: “Enchanted kingdom? Twenty years? Hmmm… I heard that line before. Well… How about you, Dick?”
Dick Gordon: “Lord, that Global Balita editor didn’t call me ‘Flashy Dick’ for nothing! My plan is to fire all government employees and replace them with thousands of Red Cross volunteers. You see, I used volunteers to convert Subic Naval Base into an international free port. Look what it is today.”
God: “You’re indeed flashy, Dick. I like your idea of using volunteers. You’re pretty good at that. Keep up the good work. How about you, Bro. Eddie?”
Bro. Eddie Villanueva: “Lord, I believe that prayers can perform miracles. I’ll make it mandatory for all Filipinos to pray 10 times a day. Look at the Arabs! They only pray five times a day and they’re very wealthy. The Filipinos will become the wealthiest people on Earth!”
God: “Sounds like a great idea. Rest assured that I’ll hear their prayers, my loyal follower. I just want to make sure that the people will pray to me and not to Allah, okay? Let’s move on. How about you, Nick?”
Nick Perlas: “Lord, since I’m an environmentalist, I’ll save all the forests. To achieve that would require that we stop using paper products. The Philippines will be the first ‘paperless society’on Earth. No more paper money. No more newspapers. No more toilet paper. The country is having water shortage too, so we need to conserve water as well. To achieve that, I’ll invent awaterless bidet that would only use air to do its work. I’ll also make it mandatory for every citizen over 18 years of age to have a computer at home so they can check my Facebookevery day.”
God: “Excellent! You are going to save the Earth from destruction. More power to you, Nick. I’m glad the Comelec accepted your Certificate of Candidacy. Nick, we need people like you. I salute you. Who’s next? John Carlos?”
John Carlos de los Reyes: “I don’t really know what to do if I get elected, Lord. I’m new in the political game and the youngest of the candidates. However, if I win, I will stop corruption and send all the corrupt officials to jail and.…”
God: “Enough! I’ve heard that line since Quezon’s time and that’s not going to happen in your lifetime, kiddo. Good try, though. You’re next, Jamby.”
Jamby Madrigal: “Thank you, Lord! I just want you to know that I’m the only woman running for president. If elected, I will fight for women’s rights! I will also…”
God: “I agree with you Jamby. But we’re running out of time. Next!”
Vetellano Acosta: “I’m the standard bearer of the Kilusang Bagong Lipunan, the late president Ferdinand Marcos’ political party. If elected, I’ll build a monument to Apo Ferdinand that would be higher than the Quezon Memorial. I will also…”
God: “Stop it! That’s not going to happen, pal. Not in my lifetime. Okay? Let’s see who’s the best…”
Erap Estrada: “Hold it! Hold it, Lord! How about me?”
God: “Oh, I’m sorry, Erap. I didn’t know you’re still in the race. Okay, Let’s hear what’s in your mind.”
Erap: “Don’t underestimate my ability, Lord. I’m the oldest in this group but I’m wiser than a turkey.”
God: “You mean to say, ‘wiser than an owl,’ right?”
Erap: “Same thing. My first act as President would be to file plunder charges against President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo. She grabbed the presidency from me in 2001 and cheated my best friend Fernando Poe Jr. in 2004. It’s payback time, Lord. An eye for an eye! And I promise you that if she’s convicted, I will never pardon her! Lintik lang ang walang ganti!”
God: “Aha! You know, you’re the only one who thought of punishing Gloria for all herkalokohan (shenanigans). Erap, you’re my man! I hereby anoint you as the country’s next President.”
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